desperation.

it hurts like mad fuck. I'M hurting like mad fuck. i didn't know i could ever feel this way. i never thought it could hurt THIS much. the pain is excruciating- almost unbearable. i lie awake at night hoping to fall into a deep sleep but i cant. instead, i spend these few nights wrestling with my thoughts, emotions and the workings of my heart. i wish there was a word that could describe just how much this hurts. everything drives me to tears. what makes things worst is the fact my body refuses to cry it out. it simply refuses. this is possibly a whole new fucking level of imploding.

i'm only human. there's only so much i can take. i am, in all honesty, struggling with this. i'm struggling to find the strength in me to deal with all this. no, i am not alright. i am not fine. my insides are crying and screaming and i can't hear a single damn thing. in a span of a week, one bad news came after another. heartbreak after heartbreak. how do i tell myself to deal with a near-death situation? how do i tell myself to deal with blood that was in my hands? how do i tell myself to deal with a wounded heart? how do i tell myself to let go of something that meant so much?


dear god, i need you. i need you to help me get through this. i'm slowly losing myself and i'm terrified of the thought. i'm terrified of losing my way. i'm terrified of being weak. i'm terrified of hurting everyone around me. i'm terrified of this pain i'm feeling inside. please, help me through this.

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